It was a pretty crummy six months, but I am delighted to report I was declared cancer-free in June. I do not have enough words to express my gratitude to God, and also my doctors, nurses, family, friends, and so many others who prayed for and supported me and my family. I have even been cheered on by perfect strangers encouraging me to "kick cancer's butt" and "keep fighting."
The thing is though, I don't really feel like much of a warrior.
Certainly not as I sat sobbing on the edge of my tub shortly after my diagnosis. At that point, the only thing I had been told was that I had a potentially fatal disease that had progressed beyond the point of an easy fix. While there were still tests to be run and specialists to consult, it was pretty clear there was a battle ahead, one I did not ask for and was reluctant to enter into...and one I was not equipped to fight.
However, amidst this uncertainty and sorrow, I was certain of one thing: my heavenly Father was sovereign over all of it. This God who loved me, saved me, and personally secured my place with Him for eternity had never failed me in the past. Surely He could handle my future and would not abandon me now. Though my tearful surrender lacked the eloquence of Deuteronomy 31:8, it was rooted in the truth of the verse: "Okay God, I don't want this, but I trust You. So as long as you're with me, let's go."
However, amidst this uncertainty and sorrow, I was certain of one thing: my heavenly Father was sovereign over all of it. This God who loved me, saved me, and personally secured my place with Him for eternity had never failed me in the past. Surely He could handle my future and would not abandon me now. Though my tearful surrender lacked the eloquence of Deuteronomy 31:8, it was rooted in the truth of the verse: "Okay God, I don't want this, but I trust You. So as long as you're with me, let's go."
Whoa, slow down, sister, that makes it sound so easy, and it was not easy. It's one thing to pray, say, write, and yes, even believe those words, but to live them puts faith to the test, and my faith is a fragile thing.
In addition to cancer, our family's adventures in 2016 included my son being diagnosed with a broken neck (yes, really, but he's okay), our heat pump going out (the day of my surgery, no less), a drunk driver crashing into the back of our car at a stoplight, a spinning ceiling fan just missing my son as it crashed onto his bed in the middle of the night, the front tire of our truck falling off as my husband and son pulled out of our driveway, and several of the most stressful months of my husband's career. That's just our immediate family and just what I can recall at the moment. But as I reflect on what was easily the worst year of my life, it's also easy to see God's provision, care, and yes, blessings, even when it is difficult to understand His plan.
And yet, despite my own testimony, my faith still routinely falters. I am predisposed to trust my proud, deceitful, fearful heart over God's word and my own experience. Too often, my heart is inclined to suffer the lies of the enemy. The voice that says God isn't in control, doesn't love me, can't help me, won't help me, and that I should look elsewhere. Most often this leads me to my own feeble resources, which is the path to despair.
The simple truth is I was utterly helpless to face cancer. Extraordinary "fight" and faith would not have been enough, and I am ordinary, at best. In this battle, like all others, it was Christ who led the charge. And as I surrendered to His will and warily followed Him across the battlefield, it was not my faith that sustained me, but the object of my faith: my Savior whose faithfulness never fails.
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." --Deuteronomy 31:8
In addition to cancer, our family's adventures in 2016 included my son being diagnosed with a broken neck (yes, really, but he's okay), our heat pump going out (the day of my surgery, no less), a drunk driver crashing into the back of our car at a stoplight, a spinning ceiling fan just missing my son as it crashed onto his bed in the middle of the night, the front tire of our truck falling off as my husband and son pulled out of our driveway, and several of the most stressful months of my husband's career. That's just our immediate family and just what I can recall at the moment. But as I reflect on what was easily the worst year of my life, it's also easy to see God's provision, care, and yes, blessings, even when it is difficult to understand His plan.
And yet, despite my own testimony, my faith still routinely falters. I am predisposed to trust my proud, deceitful, fearful heart over God's word and my own experience. Too often, my heart is inclined to suffer the lies of the enemy. The voice that says God isn't in control, doesn't love me, can't help me, won't help me, and that I should look elsewhere. Most often this leads me to my own feeble resources, which is the path to despair.
The simple truth is I was utterly helpless to face cancer. Extraordinary "fight" and faith would not have been enough, and I am ordinary, at best. In this battle, like all others, it was Christ who led the charge. And as I surrendered to His will and warily followed Him across the battlefield, it was not my faith that sustained me, but the object of my faith: my Savior whose faithfulness never fails.
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." --Deuteronomy 31:8
